Jokes from my email.....

[ladyjypsierose]

Think carefully, if you're debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work:

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.

[ladyjypsierose]

Things that Sound Dirty in Golf

1. Nuts! My shaft is bent.

2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. Look at the size of his putter.

5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

6. Mind if I join your threesome?

7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

10. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

[ladyjypsierose]

Ever just had one of those days?

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[ladyjypsierose]

Cheap Beer

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[ladyjypsierose]

Kung Fu Fighting

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dumb dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The idiot says, 'That was a karate chop from Korea.'

The little guy thinks 'GEEZ,' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, 'That was a judo chop from Japan.' So the little guy has had enough of this.

He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, 'When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.'

[ladyjypsierose]

How to Bathe a Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

A DOG

[ladyjypsierose]

Helpdesk Rules

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen d**n it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering crap over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the d**n line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally screwed. We didn't screw it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the d**ned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the d**n toaster to Mexico, you can be d**n certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno crap to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

[ladyjypsierose]

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.

"Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"

[ladyjypsierose]

Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

8) No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
7) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
6) Mom will love this.
5) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
3) The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!
2) Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say
out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1) Come on, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!

[ladyjypsierose]

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.

[ladyjypsierose]

Barney Math

1) Given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

[ladyjypsierose]

My brother sent me this one guys. ROFLMAO



MEN

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt hole, and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at thingytails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn).

[Izlude]

Ok, had to take abreak from reading those, too funny, began to hurt. Good stuff. I think i might use that excuses from work one very soon.......... Just hope my monkey doesnt die lol

[ladyjypsierose]

LOL... well, I could have either put them all into one long thread... Or I could have spaced them out over a bunch of different threads... I opted for the first choice

[hackysack]

omg...those are great